inlovewithused

dreaming away

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:03:36 GMT

so lizz kaitling and i are standing outside of sms's gym, watching for her party. and then buda is walking up. i quickly look away. kaitlin starts talking about him. and then she was wondering why he didn't have a nickname. She was talking loud and he heard. kaitlin goes look he wants one. She didn't and doesn't know i like him. I was embarassed

last nights dream, well this morning

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 15:41:09 GMT

i was dancing, ballet. Of course i didn't know what the terms were but i wasn't doing to bad. we did step hops and i thought about rachel being right about something. some cute boys there. So i went to party and spend the night at a friends and lizz was with us. She ended up living next door to chris and sam. lizz came in wearing a bathing suit and a towel. Nikki and Andi we saw in the parking lot they were driving away to get something to eat because they said the food there was bad

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 01:25:13 GMT

it's been awhile, but i cried today. three times. all of which i stopped. once on the way down the smh driveway. twice while reading, i did those silently and felt the tears run down my cheeks. that was the first time i didn't feel as if i forced it. so why am i crying? because i dont deal. shawn is gonna go to the hosptal soon, i don't really know why. because i don't listen when shannon talks about him. all i know is i'm tired. and i studied for hours and managed a fucking 69 in bio. plus nikki started the day with no hi, first was come to the library. second was be nice to me today. when will she ever be nice. why does no one ask me questions. neither lizz nor nikki have ever asked about shawn. and people wonder why i don't share. because it hurts so much to think one doesn't care. i dont wanna just bring it up. but even when i slightly mention that i was at shawn's, no response. i mention that i was there waiting for a reaction, but none come. it is disappointing and slightly heartbreaking. i'm am suffocated by my wishes and dreams of better days.

i'll let you know if i ever find someone to ask me what's the matter

christmas

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:21:55 GMT

shannon said she would be at debbie's but she decided to sleep instead.
shannon said she would come over after work and help.
shannon called and said she would sleep and then show up for dinner
shannon didn't answer her phone the rest of the night
shannon wouldn't answer the door, so we called the landlord
shannon was lying in her bed when we broke into her apartment
shannon takes antidepressants to escape the pain
shannon was curled up in a ball because the pain was too much
shannon won't talk to me
shannon showed up christmas morning at six
shannon and i sang disney songs in bed for hours
shannon complained because she didn't get cinnamon buns
shannon was still tired even though she slept the past two days
shannon claims the two bongs I found are not hers
shannon doesn't respond to my tearful pleas
shannon dragged to a place with some old guy who knows me and shawn
caroline is tired of shannon's theatrics

crazy ass dream

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:32:40 GMT

i was sitting in reilly's classroom. and then nikki walks in and beckons me to leave. so i ask reilly and she says i can. we are standing with me leaning on the wall next to the bulletin board and nikki in front of me . she is talking. her eyes starting looking back and forth in different directions. i ask her if she is okay and she collapses to the floor. i rush into reillys room and tell her nikki has passed out. reilly says: she's doen it before. me: yeah well never in front of me. reilly tells me zach will help bring her to the nurses office. internally i think it must be because they were friends and went together to their old school. he comes out in the hallway. nikki is conscious and seems to find my reaction silly. zach picks her up bridal style. but she kind of rolls out of his arms and starts walking, his arm around her waist then holding hands and then letting go all together. zach and i are walking next to each other with nikki behind us. as we go down the stairs in the 40s corridor, i think i see aunt louise go past us. i turn around and call aunt louise a few times. nikki calls louise and she stops. i run up to her and she tells me someone(i don't remember the name but it was uncle armand's brother) has died. she was at st.marks to get melissa, who came there to tutor or something. i kiss her goodbye and say goodbye. i was callling her aunt mal by mistake, but i did correct myself. as i walked away to check on nikki i saw mommom and aunt mary, i didnt speak to them knowing it would take to long and i was worried about nikki. then i was in a room at a set of four desks, the kind that were at sms but a large room. and alison, cousin, walks in and asks me if i'm okay. i say yeah and she says she's sorry the my father/shawn died. i start crying. she apologizing for letting me know his way b/c she thought i already knew. i was crying and i was all alone again. i was thinking that i had no one there to comfort me and why did he have to die before i could have to chance to mature and apologize and go see him. at another set of tables was melissa and then alison was telling me she came to pick melissa up b/c the buses weren't doing whatever they were supposed to have done, basically screwing over melissa. and i slowly woke up

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 02:32:24 GMT

i cant really handle getting a b. but i am remembering to breathe. today though i just cannot be productive. after that bio test i slowed down to the point of stopping. i havent worked on the outline today, which is crucial to my grade. B/c now i get 84 instead of 80. yeah, i know. i want my a's so bad. i think the frustrating thing is that i am tied with zach martin, and i don't mind sharing with him, and he got first honors. that means he is doing well in english. plus everything else. i really feel some classes should be worth more. euro over stat. but they are both ap so they are set equal. whatever i will deal.
actually i didnt even come hear to complain about grades. but i read my last post and thats what came to me. the problem is the physical pain. and i prefer it to the emotional pain. but i ultimately like it when nothing hurts. the upper back part of my legs have been so bothersome. but now that i mention it, the pain hasnt happened in the past few hours so scratch all that. other physical pain is the headaches. the one right now is probably from the hair clip. but i dont wanna deal with my hair so it will be staying in there. my head has been hurting me. quite irksome.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:50:58 GMT

i can't stop crying. i hate that its reached the point where i don't even know which of the numerous pieces of shit in my life are making me cry. but ti feels good. much better than breaking down in euro. shannon says i shouldnt drop it. i guess i'll hold on and just get a b. i can handle that. right?

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 14:57:47 GMT

he called me yesterday and i don't know why. because he didn't leave a message. i don't know if i should call him back. i wont because i am gonna see him in six hours.

i'm tired.

armand died btw. and shawn has cancer.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 01:56:29 GMT

he bent over and i could see his boxers and a little bit of his back. i lost my breath for a second. even now thinking about it my heart is beating weird.

camren skmanski was in my dream last night. it was a vivid dream. i was taking a test at st.marks. then everyone in the class finished. but i was the only one who left the room. as i was leaving a few other stragglers were too. then i was walking down the 150s and camren was going downstairs, which were located at the 130s girls bathroom. and i saw him recognize me. and consider waving. but i just stood there with a blank/angry look on my face. i was internally thinkin how unbelievable it was to get to see him, yet i didnt let it show. why even in my dreams can i not tell boys how i feel?

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 14:22:45 GMT

forgot to mention he totally grabbed my boob.

he's not a dance person either

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 14:20:00 GMT

saturday night was so fucking amazing. and i try not to read too much into it, but he was with us the whole fucking night. and i am pretty sure nikki and him arent that good of friends. plus me and him in the car. almost all my night was with him. maybe i just blocked out the rest, but maybe not. and i wasnt stalking him like i did with jimmy last year. i decided before i was gonna relax and have fun. and when i did relax and i had so much fun. that chasing around upstairs was the HIGHlight of my night. i'm trying o hard not to b like mollie with the mark situation. just cause he is in my line of sight doesnt mean i'm in his. but if only i was. i really really really hope we both manage to get into cornell. and dont just so we can end up there together. but because i promised nikki i would talk to him about my GINORMOUS crush if i didnt. so we need to get in so fucking bad.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 01:36:34 GMT

i am stifled by people's appreciation of my existence.

Mon, 14 May 2007 21:26:37 GMT

ugh. too. just too much or too little i'm not sure. mostly too crazy ramblings in my head. i'm tired i cant sleep when i wANNA and i got too much. rar.

Thu, 10 May 2007 00:58:36 GMT

myspace stalking is depressing. he changed everything and added a top friends thing. caroline is not there. megan is. mollie is number six. i hate my life. and its alll girls. the whore btich is number goddamn one. i wanna/ need to kill(or even just hurt) someone. life sucks.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 23:06:11 GMT

robin knows my name. why does this have to make me soo happy. he's just a stupid freshman, but a very cute one. and he knows my name. jacob knows my name too, even though i orginally lied about my name when i met him. its the little things that complete me. major accomplishments/changes in caroline's life: i talk to my major crush on a regular basis, and my drumline love knows my name, plus i have weekend plans. life is extra good!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 20:23:22 GMT

i am lying to myself, but i lack a dagger as my excuse. why od i even talk anymore, especially when i'm not talking only thinking nad working as a secreatry trying to get it all down, but more importantly out. i dont even kno what it is that plagues me, but there is something deep in my soul that restrcits em from being happy. Gosh thats all i want is to b happy. i mean i thought guard was fully making me happy and then andi goes and says my guard smile is deranged. but maybe i actually was happy and derangness is just me at my very best. ha. it wouldnt b that uncalled for. journey to the past. if only my heart would fail me now and i could b put out of my mysery. y am i so depressed? i mean i am a poansy and have suicidal thoughts but would never do it. although this morning i was thinking i should leave numerous ntoes that say i'm not suicidal, and talk about goiong out with cliches as did beloved dean odell, i will miss u but not the task of searching for ur murderer. and then i would commit suicide but all my seemingly random notes would lead to an unsolvable murder case because it would b suicide. i am so twisted. i need to get out of the house, but more importantly out of my head. i love being alone when i'm with people and then i am alone for a few hours and already i turncoat and want people

who else?

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:38:37 GMT

i fucking hate my OBSESSION with matt that is taking over my body. but then i again i really dont. u kno i've waited for and long for the heart flippy thing and the reaction i get from reading romance (like dessen not my dirty books) but that stuff was nothing compared to the real life reaction in which i wasnt completely aware of my surrounding, my neck was sweating, i was blushing (and not even aware of it), plus the full body flippy thing. and all because he waved at me mind u. just waved, nothing special, just the normal reaction to seeing someone that he had once caused to get put in time out and many times to be called out by a teacher for talking. but that girl. that horrible wretched shoedarzilla. i feel my presumption that he hit on him and he was entranced is probably right, even worse they probably fuck. otherwise he wouldnt love her and claim to be married on myspace. that bitch, how dare she tap that before i even got a chance, let alone a second glance from the boy i love. i fuckiong love him. u happy??? not really especially since when i saw her at MY church with him i felt sick, sick. normally i get to take a few sideways glances at him and occassionally i believe he looks at me, but no. she was all that mattered sunday. why did he have to bring her to church?? i thought it was supposed to be a sanctuary. damn i wanna kill her. RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 16:19:31 GMT

“Even during the darkest hours of my administration, I always knew that I could draw on the strength, support, and love of my family and friends.” ~Lyndon Baines Johnson
“I’ve just met the most remarkable young man. Now I like this boy, and you’re going to help him with anything you can....If he hadn’t gone to Harvard, that’s the kind of uninhibited young pro he’d like to be-that in the next generation the balance of power would shift south and west, and this boy could well be the first Southern President.” ~President Franklin D. Roosevelt on Lyndon B. Johnson the Congressman
“When John F. Kennedy first offered me the Vice Presidential nomination, I asked him to be candid with me. If it was only a courteous gesture, I said, I wanted him to say so. He replied that he needed me to run with him if the ticket was going to be successful. I served John Kennedy for three years-as a candidate and as his Vice President. I served him loyally, as I would have wanted my Vice President to serve me. We did not always see things in the same light. I did not always agree with everything that happened in his administration. But when I did disagree with the President, I did so in private, and man to man.” ~Lyndon Baines Johnson
“There was only one full bullet that was found. That was on the stretcher that the President was on. It apparently had fallen out when they massaged his heart, and we have that one.... But the important thing is that this gun was bought in Chicago on money order. Cost twenty-one dollars, and it seems almost impossible to think that for twenty-one dollars you could kill the President of the united States.” ~J. Edgar Hoover, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation
“A nation stunned, shaken to its very heart, had to be reassured that the government was not in a state of paralysis. I had to convince everyone everywhere that the country would go forward....Any hesitation or wavering, any false step, any sign of self-doubt, could have been disastrous....The times cried out for leadership.” Lyndon Johnson on the death of President John Kennedy
“No memorial or eulogy could more eloquently honor President Kennedy’s memory than the earliest possible passage of the civil rights bill for which he fought so long. We have talked long enough in this country about equal rights. We have talked for one hundred years or more. It is time now to write the next chapter, and to write it in the book of law.” President Lyndon Baines Johnson
“I was driving from California to Florida in that summer of ‘64, just after the Civil Rights Act had been passed. Then, for the first time in my life, I was able to contemplate stopping at any restaurant or motel I cam across.” ~William B. Allen
“You do not take a person who, for years, has been hobbled by chains and liberate him, bring him up to the starting line of a race and then say, ‘You are free to compete with all the others,’ and still justly believe that you have been completely fair. Thus it is not enough just to open the gates of opportunity. All our citizens must have the ability to walk through those gates. This is the next and the more profound stage of the battle for civil rights. We seek not just freedom but opportunity. We seek not just legal equity but human ability, not just equality as a right and a theory but equality as a fact and equality as a right.” ~President Lyndon Johnson
“This Administration today, here and now, declares unconditional war on poverty in America....Our aim is not only to relieve the symptom of poverty, but to cure it and, above all, to prevent it.” President Lyndon Johnson
“In the midst of rapidly developing technological advances, the adults among newcomers have little education and limited vocational skills. The children, retarded in academic achievement and lacking in motivation for school, require specialized programs of education if they are to overcome their limited backgrounds. Programs to meet the needs of disadvantaged children have been successfully demonstrated in each of the great cities but these cannot be extended to serve all the children in need because of lack of financial services. Local support of education comes largely from taxes on property; 12 cities pay well over 60 percent of the cost of operating their schools from local taxes. By 1965 enrollments in the schools of the great cities will have increased 48.6 percent over 1950, and these enrollments include large numbers of pupils requiring costly specialized programs.” ~Dr. Benjamin Willis, superintendent of the Chicago schools
“Experts tell us that most of a child’s full potential is achieved before he reaches school age. Half his eventual capacity has been established by the age of four. By the time he is six, two-thirds of his adult intelligence has been formed. How do such findings square with the notion that the ‘education’ of a child does not begin until he is six? The Head Start program we inaugurated led the way in the application of these discoveries to the classroom. Focused on culturally deprived children, Head Start was responsible for calling attention to several incredible facts. Almost half the children we reached with this program the first year came from homes that had no toys, books, magazines, crayons, paints, or even paper. Some of those children, particularly those from cit slums, could not recognize pictures of animals from the zoo. The only animal they all knew immediately was a rat. One little black girl literally did not know what the word ‘beautiful’ meant and she was overjoyed to discover its meaning as she watched herself in a mirror, trying on her teacher’s hat. The progress of these children under our Head Start program astounded and gratified us all. I urged that Head Start and its companion programs be made available to all 8 million poverty-level youngsters in this country below the age of ten, and not just to the million who currently are benefiting. This investment in human life would pay us the highest interest rate of any investment we could make. I want to see the Head Start lesson applied to all children. There are 12 million three-to-five-year-olds in the United States. Only 30 per cent of them are in school. We know this is a tragic waste of human resources, resources our country will sorely need before the turn of the century, when this generation of preschoolers will be leading the nation.” President Lyndon Johnson
“The morning after Dr. King’s death I sent letters to both Speaker McCormack and Minority Leader Ford, stressing that ‘the time for action has come.’... We worked on it the entire weekend, night ad day. This time our efforts paid off. The Rules Committee voted to keep the Senate bill intact and to send it to the House floor. Within twenty-four hours the full House gave its approval to the omnibus Civil Rights Act of 1968. I signed the bill on April 11, 1968, in the presence of many of the Negro leaders with whom I had met the week before. They all helped produce this victory.” ~President Lyndon Johnson
“Our country is not officially divided on race. [Legal] racial discrimination is virtually nonexistent. Poverty is the challenge that Martin Luther King’s ‘dream’ leaves for us. Poverty is the moral equivalent of slavery and we can end it in the 21st century-in our lifetimes-like we end slavery in the 19th century.” ~Andrew Young, former mayor of Atlanta
“I want the world to know that when the Untied States speaks it does so through the voice of a Negro.” ~President Lyndon Johnson on his appointment of Thurgood Marshall
“I had the same sentiments about Medicare, whose overriding importance, to me, was that it foreshadowed a revolutionary change in our thinking about health care. We had begun, at long last, to recognize that good medical care is a right, not just a privilege. During my administration, forty national health measures were presented to Congress-more than the preceding 175 years of the Republic’s history....This is not just a tribute to my administration’s concern for the people’s health but a tribute to the people themselves-a salute to what they demand of their government and to the system that makes it possible to meet the demand.” ~President Lyndon Johnson
“The act established the blueprint for the construction of 26 million homes by 1078, providing a complex network of fiscal tools to accomplish the job-including direct subsidies, loan guarantees, and below-market interest rates. Thousands of people stood I the courtyard of the new headquarters of the Department of Housing and Urban Development when I signed that housing bill into law that August day of 1968.” ~President Lyndon Johnson
“Altogether, we passed sixty education bills. All of them contributed to advances across the whole spectrum of society. When I left office, millions of young boys and girls were receiving better grade school educations than they once could have acquired. A million and a half students were in college who otherwise could not have afforded it. Thousands of adult men an women were enrolled in classes of their choice, available to them for the first time.” ~President Lyndon Johnson “The vote is the most powerful instrument ever devised for breaking down injustice and destroying the terrible wall which imprison men because they are different from other men....[The Voting Rights Act of 1965] is one of the most monumental laws in the entire history of American freedom.” ~ President Lyndon Johnson

mattt

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 18:52:58 GMT

so as i mentioned before matt ewald is the only man's babies i am willing to have. so today i look back and i only saw his two little brothers and his mom
turns out he was there [and his dad] because i finally see him when he went for communion. i mean heart beating hard core. I ACTUALLY lost my breathe. i even made eye contact it wasnt the whole i look at him but try my best to not let him see me. i made eye contact. i couldnt read his face, because it wasnt hard core emotional or anything, but he didnt look upset that i was looking at him, i wouldnt go so far as to say happy, but n ot upsset is a step in the awesome direction

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 21:24:00 GMT

http://www.sixtiescity.com/Events/Images/EVE119.jpg

http://www.canf.org/2006/images/kennedy/Lee%20Harvey%20Oswald%20am%2022%20nov%201963.jpg

http://www.space.com/images/v_cape_kennedy_johnson_03.jpg

http://www.medaloffreedom.com/KennedyDeathAnnouncement.htm

http://www.nyu.edu/nyutoday/archives/18/08/Images/kingaftermath1.jpg

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5156483

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:50:21 GMT

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:40:28 GMT

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyndon_Baines_Johnson
http://www.americanpresident.org/history/lyndonbjohnson/multimedia/topic1/common.shtml
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/presidents/36_l_johnson/index.html

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 22:56:43 GMT

i'm beginning my aspirations are way too big for me. i want to go to an ivy all of a sudden. i mean where the fuck did this come from?and can i do it?? huh? i think this will b good for me. but the whole paying for it will b a bitch.i will definately have to start saving b/c i'm not gonna get a scholarship. well maybe but it wont make a big difference. i can do this. fuck scratch that I WILL DO TIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GONNA GO TO AN IVY LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT NOW BIOTCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 23:59:21 GMT

my feet are cold. why are they always so cold? it bothers me. and i'm like hungry in the way that i dont like the taste in my mouth

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 23:37:09 GMT

michael bisaha, "jess, don't touch me"
there's nothing that makes my day more than a stalker beign dissed by their stalkee.